1. "It was so nice meeting you." This is the polite thing to say after spending two hours with you and nearly falling asleep while all you talked about was yourself, so I will say that so I can get to my car faster.
2. "Let's do this again some time." Maybe in 2165. I should have some time that year and god knows I can't wait to hear more of your cool racist, jokes again ASAP.
3. "Here's my phone number." FYI, sometimes it doesn't work/I throw it into a river on purpose. So I might not pick up but toooootally take it because I'm too afraid to tell you I never want to talk to you again.
4. "I'm really busy this week." Also, please don't ask me what I'll be busy doing. I'll mostly just be praying that you don't text me and hoping I can go out with someone I actually like at some point in the next 20 years. I'll be busy with that one for a while.
5. *Laughs at joke that was not funny at all because you stared at me like if I didn't laugh you'd cry.* But truly it was a terrible joke.
6. *Laughs really hard at joke that was funny, but not LOLOLOLOL funny.* Because I'm really into you and I'm having so much fun that the laugh is more my way of saying, "Yay. I like you." than "You are funnier than all the comedians ever."
7. "No, it totally makes sense to split the check and itemize what you had because I did add avocado and you didn't. I totally get it." Here's $20. Keep the change. How soon can I leave this table?
8. "Tell me more about your love of waterskiing." I'm asking because I really wonder and not because I have no idea what else to talk to you about because you haven't said anything in five minutes.
9. "Oh man. Your last relationship sounds really hard. Please, tell me all about it." Of course I would love to hear all about your ex-girlfriend, especially the parts where you refer to her as "kind of a bitch." I love hearing women get called bitches, obviously.
10. "Yes, Star Wars is the greatest movie of all time, totally." I mean, it has almost no women in it at all and I saw it when I was, like, 10 but you seem really happy to talk about it so, sure. It's great.
11. "I just came from work!" Definitely didn't stop somewhere to do my makeup. From 8 a.m. to 7 p.m. my makeup always stays in place and looks perfect and I definitely also always wear this much. Of course. Absolutely.
12. "These heels are actually super comfortable for walking." No, my feet aren't numb from the pain. I could definitely keep walking around after dinner even though you did not tell me we'd be walking for miles so I wore stilettos. This is so great.